Say It How You Will

Next Confession

2011-04-18T09:38:00.002-04:00

Here we go again.

I love animals. I mean, I really love animals. I blame my mom for this because we always had pets growing up. They fascinate me. Right now we have 3 cats and 2 dogs (a yellow lab and a golden retriever). Their names are Hailie, Luna, Bumper, Abigail, and Buddy. The last 2 are the dogs. Yes I have nicknames for all of them. They usually go something along the lines of Hails, Loon-loon, Bump/bumpyboy, Abbie/Abs, and Budbud. I know a lot of people don't like cats or animals, and personally I don't plan on having animals for a little while after I get out on my own so that I have the freedom not to have to worry about another living creature. My animals really do bring me joy, though. Ask Hillary, we regularly discuss our ridiculous pets. Her dog, good ol' Reiley, is among the "I'm so pathetic that you have to love me" type. We both understand how complex the different personalities of each pet can be. I think I'd actually be a little lonely if I didn't have these crazy animals running around and acting like idiots to amuse me. I even have a website I visit that is just ridiculously cute pictures of animals, mostly baby animals, when I need to be cheered up.

So, this is a list of the different types of animals we've had throughout my life:
-Goldfish
-Parakeet
-Cockatiel
-Turtle
-Hamster
-Guinea Pigs
-Rabbits
-Chinchillas
-Cats
-Dogs
-I feel like I'm missing something........

At one point in my pre/young teen years I think we had the highest number of pets in my life, numbering 8 or 9, if I'm correct. We were THOSE people.

Next Confession

2011-03-22T14:13:00.003-04:00

The serious lack of common sense in this world really bothers me. I feel like there's no courtesy or manners left our society. This isn't just attributed to the youth, either. I find MANY older people, middle-aged and older, that just don't seem to understand how to treat another human being.

For this, I am confessing that I wish our schools took a more traditional route and actually had an etiquette class required before students could graduate. In an ideal world this type of lesson would be left to the parents. However, as sad as it is to say, it seems that parental responsibility for the behavior of their children has fallen to the wayside. Schools can't even call the parents of their students anymore because the parents often justify and defend the actions of the children, even if the students were in the wrong. Here is a list of certain things I truly think should be necessary.

- Please and THANK YOU. If someone helps you, perhaps by holding open a door, thank them. THANK THEM. This is a courtesy they are performing for your benefit. They are not your slave. You are not entitled to being treated like royalty. This counts for employees that serve you, whether it be in a retail or restaurant environment. They don't get paid enough for you to treat them like an indentured servant.
-If someone is making plans, it is your responsibility to agree to them or not, and take the proper measures after said agreement. If people are trying to make plans for something, and need a specific number, RSVP and don't stare at the person like they are asking for something that is out of line. This includes going out to eat (because restaurants only have so much room and if you show up without saying you will, you shouldn't be guaranteed a seat just because you feel entitled.) This also means that if you say you'll be somewhere, and can't make it, you should contact someone and let them know you won't be coming. It's a courtesy to the host.
- CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. We aren't barn animals. People could also learn how to keep elbows off the table, but that transgression is far less offensive.
- When walking, stay to the right. In the mall, at a fair, in the grocery store, on the sidewalk. STAY TO THE RIGHT. I'm sick and tired of people not understanding this. Which leads to...
- If you bump into someone, apologize/SAY EXCUSE ME. I get flabbergasted at the number of times people walk right into me and don't even acknowledge that I exist.
- If you're a man somewhere public, and a woman (ESPECIALLY ELDERLY OR PREGNANT) comes along, be a man and give her your seat. You're a man, get over it.
- If someone is talking to you, LOOK AT THEM. Nothing is ruder than carrying on a conversation and feeling like someone could care less.
- DRIVING ETIQUETTE. Use your blinker. Don't wait till the last minute to apply your brakes(for the benefit of those behind you, and for the benefit of your possibly crushed bumper). Be polite and allow people to merge. Don't cut someone off. Don't drive 10 under or get mad at someone and ride their bumper if they are already doing 5 over. If there was clearly a sign or indication that the lane you are in, especially in construction zones, will be ending, merge before the lane is no longer wide enough to contain your car.
- Your social networking is not as important as the real, live human beings around you. Put down the phones people. It's getting ridiculous. Your facebook won't die, I promise you. If you get an important phone call, apologize to the people you are with, step aside, and take the call but make it brief. If it's not urgent, inform them you are busy and will call them back. This counts if you are dealing with a cashier, a waitress, or friends and family.

This is a brief list... I know there are more but I can't think of them right now. Feel free to comment and leave your own suggestions. :) Please, and thank you.

Confession #2: Musical Talent

2011-02-28T22:43:00.002-05:00

I wish I knew how to play the piano.

I'm a singer. Not the best, not the worst, but I have some ability. Mainly I use what God gave me to praise him. I rarely feel closer to my saviour as when I'm singing out to Him. It makes me feel the holy spirit in a unique and special way. Yet I lack certain talents when it comes to instruments. I used to play the flute, and it came naturally to me when I was doing it. I was quite good, the youngest in my school to be given a piccolo, in fact... not that most people would know what that means. I suppose I like to think that I have some natural musical ability. I've tried my hand at guitar but found that hand to be very small. Ask my friends, I have tiny hands. It made it very difficult, if not painful, to play many chords and it wasn't an attempt that lasted very long. These different attempts were never particularly the thing that I wanted to play, anyway.

Ever since I was a little girl I had asked my parents for a piano. The excuse was always either money or space related. Most of the time, the money situation I could understand. In our old house, the one I lived in until age 10, I even understood the space reason. It was small. There was no practical place to put a piano. Then we moved, and I asked again, and my request was thrown in limbo.

For as long as I can remember, piano has probably been my favorite instrument, seconded by the cello. The cello is a random second, I know, but I find it's deep, chorded symphonics to be breathtaking. If you look at my iTunes you might notice just how much of it's contents are filled with piano driven music. It can be beautifully simple or deeply complex. From Spektor to Szpilman, I just love it. I've always wanted to be able to play, but never really learned. My brother was given a very nice professional keyboard by a woman that married into our family at one point, and I wanted to learn to play, but because he already played guitar he was considered the musical one. He gave it to a member of his band, who supposedly would use it to help them write their pop-punk music. This band then kicked him out, and his pride was so hurt that he refused to get the keyboard back. I still have a sore spot over that incident. I just feel like I could learn about myself through the exploration of my musical growth. At this point I can't afford a keyboard but one day, hopefully sooner than later, I hope to acquire one and see if all my dreams from over the years might be realized.

Confession #1

2011-02-16T19:16:00.002-05:00

I'm a wannabe foodie.

If I had the extra money, I would go to culinary school. I doubt it would ever pan out professionally, but I just love the idea of being able to have unlimited resources and knowledge to whip up culinary greatness.

I actually find cooking to be cathartic. Me and my friends occasionally have nights where we all cook food together, and I love being able to share stuff like that with people I care about. This is making me want to bake another cheesecake haha. Oooo and lasagna from scratch. WHO WANTS A FOOD PARTY?!

Now, just to have my own kitchen so I don't have people breathing down my neck while I get creative.

Inspiration from my best friend.

2011-02-16T01:46:00.002-05:00

So there's this woman I know. She's my girl, my best friend, and someone I wholeheartedly respect. She is the Hillster. She's brilliant, and funny, and completely in love with God. It shows through how she lives her life, including the beauty in how she sees the world. Some of these things are why she has decided to start writing Confession blogs. They are witty and funny, and I feel inspired to follow suit.

Now please, and I mean pretty please, don't expect me to follow in her charming and occasionally facetious footsteps. So soon you, random people that know me and deem me fit to read about, shall see little things that I notice about the world documented via my blog.

I hope you enjoy, and thank you, Hill.

God Will Provide

2010-12-02T07:19:00.004-05:00

So I realize I am THAT person. The person that grossly neglects her blog. I read others' posts but somehow can never find the motivation to actually talk about my life or my heart.

I think being revealing of myself is a bit unnerving for me. Especially when I feel like all I would do is complain if I did write anything. I have a tendency to try to put on a happy face, which is often a mask.

Last night at Liquid the talk was about masks. We use them to hide our faces because we are doing something illegal, we hide identities because we are shy and want to maintain anonymity like a celebrity, but worst of all we wear a mask of ourselves to hide our true selves and our hearts. I'm guilty.

I'm not where I thought I'd be. I graduated from college. Good. In a few weeks I will have officially been out for a year and STILL haven't found a full time job. I've been attempting to supplement my income with substitute teaching, which is a shotty at best. Let's face it, I'm flat broke. I can't really rely on family for help, either. My father was working in Iraq for about a year and a half as a contractor. Even on what should have been a great income with no more debt under their belts my parents were unable to accumulate any savings, and my father was rushed home under emergency circumstances due to some health issues concerning his heart. He is feeling much better now and has lost a lot of weight so his health is definitely improved, praise God. Except he's unemployed now, too, and unable to seek government assistance because he wasn't working in the United States. After only a few months he is at his wits end in the job market, and suddenly sympathizes with my frustrations of the past year. We will be lucky if we don't lose our house.

I guess you could say I feel defeated. I have student loans and other bills, and eventually will need a new car in the near future because I was driving my father's while he was gone and he has since been driving my brother's truck. Well my brother will be returning to the states, as well, in the next few months so we will be down a vehicle. I knew I might not have a job in 6 months, but an entire year has kind of broken my heart. I'm nickeling and diming everything and don't know how I'm going to make it through January at this point. The worst part is that I have had to miss church functions sometimes because I literally can't afford the gas to get there. I NEVER had problems with money in the past. I was always able to help. Now I feel like something is wrong with me because I can't contribute and people are always asking me to help with things and I just can't. Especially with Christmas coming up, I'm at a loss at how I'm going to pull the holidays off.

I have amazing friends, but I miss being able to do things with them. They all keep going out on these fun adventures and I can't even spare the 10 dollars to do them most of the time. To spare my feelings I'm often not invited if they know I can't afford it, but I still get really sad when I hear something happened and I know why I had to miss it. My boyfriend is better to me than I deserve and definitely helps me and doesn't expect me to pay for anything. His family has pretty much covered the entire cost of his military ball for me that we are attending in a few weeks. I love them, I truly do. I have seen God work through them in so many ways and feel so blessed. At the same time I know that Kyle and I haven't gotten married yet because of our financial situation. He was overseas and able to save up a really good sum of money, but he is determined not to touch it until we have a sustainable income. He had a really good job, but due to some serious glitches in the management he jumped through all kinds of hoops just to not only get the promotion he was promised, but also to get his hours cut. He's not hurting, but he's not really thriving. We have 1 semi-reliable part time income, and one completely unreliable part time income. I was actually just able to test for an administrative position with a local city, but when I walked in there were over 100 people testing for the same job. The test was easy, so I have a feeling the competition will be stiff. Once again I might be overlooked because of my "inexperience." Even if I got this job, it would solve our problems for now, but Kyle and I can't get married now until after his next deployment. He leaves sometime next summer for Afghanistan and we wanted to be married before then, but it probably can't happen for another 2 years now. Not exactly how I had planned things out. I'm heartbroken.

If you made it through this blog, you're amazing. It was long, and depressing, and filled with one big downer after another. I think I needed to finally get it all off my chest and cry it all out. I'm getting desperate and honestly feel like this is God proving to me that he will provide what I need, even if I'm literally surviving by the skin of my teeth right now and scared every second.

Resurrection

2010-04-03T23:43:00.003-04:00

I sit here in my bedroom, the place of my solace, just a few minutes before Easter Sunday. From the age of 18, the age I was when I accepted Christ into my heart, this day has been particularly special for me. Now I remember all the pomp and circumstance accompanying the morning of Jesus' resurrection and the days leading up to it from my childhood. There were bunnies, and eggs to color, and art projects in school, and pastel colored outfits, and kites, we always flew kites on Easter Sunday if the weather permitted. Don't get me wrong, those memories are good memories. Easter was one of the few holidays that I remember being free of fights. What was it that my mother always used to say? "It isn't a holiday in the Tata house if someone's not yelling." Yet Easter was relatively stress free. The weather was finally starting to break and everyone was sighing with relief. Even now it all seems somewhat trivial.

I never understood true beauty until I knew God. I knew what intrigued me, and always felt at peace in nature, but I never really understood why. Now it's so plain to me. I was always calmest surrounded by God's creation, and in nature it felt like he was calling me home, even if I hadn't turned up the volume just yet. Something about grace can bring me so easily to tears. Creation is broken. It has fallen irreparable by human hands leading to death and pain that breaks God's heart. Still he sent His Son, came Himself to this wretched world and did the incomprehensible. What Jesus did for us was so horrifying that his own Father had to turn His face away on the cross as Christ took on the sin of the world. I doubt I could ever take on that kind of responsibility. Jesus was so scared that his own blood vessels ruptured as he sweat blood from his pores. This kind of love is amazing. Not the "wow this taco is amazing" amazing, but the "nothing ever again can compare to the sacrifice and love of that act" amazing. Jesus became the sacrificial lamb to save us, to save me, to save you.

I find it a bit funny how perverted holidays, especially in the U.S., have become. Everything revolves around characters from a bedtime story, commercialism, and our stomachs. It's all pretty sad if you think about it. I never once went to church on Easter Sunday as a child. Not once in a home where we claimed to believe in God and Jesus. Not even on Christmas. To me, the day of Jesus' resurrection is even more important than the celebration of his birth. Easter is considered secondary to Christmas by most people and that breaks my heart. They are both amazing events in God's plan. First he sent His only begotten son to be born, fully human and fully God, destined to die at the hand of betrayal. Then he rose again. Jesus has brought people back from the dead, but eventually they died again. He didn't. He still lives. He still sits at God's side, as the Holy Spirit dwells on earth with us, in us. This makes this day special. I think I'm thankful for the fact that Easter isn't blown so out of proportion. It still has rabbit lore, candy, and eggs sucking it's meaning away, but it's a bit more subdued. I like that I can worship my Lord for what he did for me and not have to worry about whether my family's dinner is going to be a disaster again.

Today I sit at the feet of the Messiah humble and reverent, and grateful for what he had to endure to give me everlasting life.

Insomniac

2010-01-06T02:36:00.002-05:00

I sit here, just like hundreds of other nights since I was a child, and can't sleep. I am an insomniac. Even at the tender age of 10 I remember never being able to fall right asleep. I used to fake it for my mother to avoid her punishment. Closing my eyes and curling into a ball, pretending to be deep in slumber, prevented me from enduring many painful things as a youth. Once I was even forced to have soap in my mouth because my mother checked on me and I wasn't yet asleep. For staring at the ceiling I ended up gagging on something that is meant to be used to wash a person's hands.

Even then I couldn't sleep. I have had brief periods of time where I can sleep "like a baby" every night. They come and go, fading into the night like the resonating strike of a piano key, beautiful in the moment and sorely missed once gone.

Sometimes I wonder what makes it impossible for me to sleep. I don't go around advertising, and some people might think I'm one walking ray of sunshine, but I do struggle with an internal pain. Usually I don't know where it even comes from. Sometimes I know exactly where it comes from but there are too many causes to give me the ability to answer the question of "what's wrong" that I tend to hear so often after my friends snap me out of my daze that they have unfortunately become all too familiar with. I have this habit of completely blanking out and staring off into space, unaware of my surroundings, for short periods of time. It usually takes a touch or a sharp noise to break me out of it. I think it is a defense mechanism I have built when I feel overwhelmed with sadness. My brain decides to shut off momentarily and give me a short-lived peace. It's a shame I can't seem to trigger that at night. Perhaps I could drift to sleep if I could ignore the world. Maybe that's what usually makes me finally pass out, because I usually don't remember when I actually went unconscious in my bed.

I feel guilt for my sadness and pain. I feel this perverse pang in the pit of my stomach because I actually feel like I don't deserve to be sad for the things in my life. It's not even a self-righteous "I'm too good for bad things to happen to me" type of deserving. I feel like I'm not good enough to have the right to be in pain. Like sorrow and anguish are a prize to be aimed for. It's disgusting, really.

I am deeply in love with a man that wants to make me his wife. He's a soldier. I've seen him for approximately a month total over the past year. I worry for his safety, but I do not doubt his love. We have this quirky understanding of each other that makes us brutally honest and supportive, and we rarely even argue, let alone genuinely fight. It's perfect, almost. I am so blessed to have him in my life, yet sometimes when he crosses my mind I feel as though a vice was just placed around my diaphragm. I miss him yes, but it shouldn't be this deep.

I feel completely disconnected from my family. Pretty much always have, actually. My mother has been left by my father so that he may work in Iraq and support our family. She has done things that I have a very difficult time forgiving, let alone forgetting. Some of these very things caused my brother, the one that doesn't work with my father, to move out recently. Now it is just me and my mother here at home. She is lonely, ridiculously so. She has isolated herself over the years, and now that everyone else is gone, I find myself cornered. I do not know how to have a relationship with this woman. She is my mother, she gave me life, and I love her, but I have a very difficult time relating to her or respecting her. I was always a daddy's girl, and now I never talk to him, let alone see him, and he was the person that made me feel like a part of this family. My mother's side of the family is full of fickle creatures. There are feuds and arguments that infiltrate the very core and structure of these people, and I just don't understand the way they think most of the time. I've always loved my dad's family, because even with all their faults they understood what loving your family meant. I haven't seen anyone from my dad's family in probably about 5 years. I find myself grasping onto Kyle's family because they have the relationship and support for one another I've always wanted, but leave each other independent at the same time. When I'm at home I want to scream and leave, but I do have a roof over my head, something I am grateful for. I sit at home and my heart aches.

I am a deeply empathetic person. My friends have experienced far more loss than they ever should have over the last few weeks. I see their pain and it breaks my heart. I want to fix it all. I wonder if God gave me the ability to feel other's pain so deeply in a way that makes me break down and uncontrollably cry because I can't seem to reach that point with my own problems, and maybe I need the release. I never know what to say to the people I love about what they are going through. I find myself on my face praying that God takes their pain away.

My entire life is changing, and I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I won't live up to the expectations that have been placed upon me as the "smart" girl since I was a young child. I hate letting people down. I can't even organize all my fears in my brain at this very moment, all I can feel is the dread welling up within me.

And then I go numb. The dull ache of pain, depression, whatever term you want to deem it, scratching at the surface, meticulously locked away in my heart and head. The people that know me best know something is wrong, they see it in my eyes which I can never seem to hide.

And then I try again to fall asleep.

Mad World.

2009-12-31T12:12:00.004-05:00

Does anyone else feel like the world is groaning?

Everything just seems to be falling apart at the seams, and it's all just so confusing and painful. My heart hurts. I see my friends and family, broken.

It's times like this that I find myself on my face praying, hoping to hear that single whisper from the Father who is the ONLY one that can fix this world and save us from ourselves.

Driving Headaches

2009-10-20T17:16:00.002-04:00

I don't know about the rest of you out there in the blogosphere, but driving sure can give me some anxiety. I have no doubts pertaining to my own abilities, but other drivers scare me to death sometimes.

I know its bad, and is indicative of a few of my anger issues, but this chick sure does know how to have herself a heft bout of the road rage. Some of you can relate, I'm sure *coughHFRcough*, but stupid drivers have this tendency to infuriate me. I'm going to side with the men out there and say that most females, hopefully not myself included, are AWFUL drivers. When I'm driving behind someone doing 15 under or cutting me off, it seems like, more often than not, it is in fact a female. However, if some person is riding the backend of my car on the freeway it is generally a young guy. Young guys with sports cars or foreign cars are pretty inconsiderate drivers too.

I go to school in a city with a LOT of foreigners. Sometimes I wonder if they even have a legitimate driver's license. If they do, what are the requirements it takes for them to get one? I have issues with allowing someone that can even read the english ALPHABET(technically its a standard latin alphabet, but psh) to get behind the wheel of a car. They cut you off, and then stare at you like you are about to be struck down by God himself, or they give you the oh so friendly courtesy of showing a certain centralized digit on the hand. It amazes me. People make honest mistakes while driving. I do it, you do it, the people that live on your street all do it. But seriously show some remorse. Pretend like you care that you almost just changed lanes directly into the side of my car because you're talking or texting on your cell phone. If you see that there is a sign indicating construction ahead, like perhaps the left 2 lanes will be ending a mile ahead.... try getting over while traffic is still relatively spread out and BEFORE its a mad dash of 50 cars trying to squeeze into a 20 square foot area. If people tried some common courtesy to the other drivers in the road, things might actually flow smoothly.

Oh, and use your blinker please, but remember to TURN IT OFF if you are done.

End rant.

Crossroad

2009-10-08T13:42:00.003-04:00

I feel like my life is a waiting game right now.

I wait for my LSAT scores, wait for my Dad to be home at Christmas, wait to graduate, wait to know what I'm doing after graduation, wait for a soldier. The last one can get pretty difficult. I miss seeing his face, and when I don't hear from him for a week or longer at a time, I end up having nightmares. Dreams where his mom calls me and he's dead. Not pleasant. When I'm not waiting on that I'm waiting on a free moment to get a full night's sleep, find time to go to the optometrist for desperately needed new glasses, time to go to the dentist for this broken cap I've been dealing with for almost a month, and time to go to the doctor. My friends have time to hang out until all hours of the night, go out for coffee, go to the bar(even though I'm not particularly a drinker), and go fun places on the weekends like movies, concerts, and Wings games.

I don't have any free money right now. I've been working at the same job for far too long in an economy that is not supportive of people who get almost their entire income in tips. Sure I'll listen to the guy that complains about everything and wants 10 refills with the 6 other people at their table... for 2 dollars. My pleasure. Thank you come again. It also doesn't help when some of the people you work with are greedy and don't seem to care that EVERYONE on the floor needs to make money. Sure, go ahead, steal my tables out from under me. The managers don't care anyway. I really want a new job but I don't even have time to look for one right now.

Over the past few months, for the first time in my life, I have considered leaving Michigan. Whenever Kyle gets home, after we get married, I think we are leaving. It has nothing to do with pride or love for the people. I just can't stand to live in a state where the people in charge have done nothing but repetitively drive us straight into the ground. Constantly being on the verge of a government shutdown is no way to live. For people my age, we are getting the short end of the stick. Well, a lot of people are getting it in all truth and fairness. Still, I can't get a hand up. I don't want a hand out, just an opportunity to be given a chance. I graduate in December, and at this point I don't know if I can even GO to law school anymore. I could barely get financed for my last semester at UMD, which is far cheaper than any law program. The financial institutions are out of funds, especially for student loans. Someone I know had to completely give up college this year because nobody would approve him. It's sad. Maybe I can just go get a "real" job, but who hires a new college graduate anymore on zero experience... nobody, that's who. You need experience to get a job, but nobody will hire you to get experience. In all honesty, I'm terrified. What happens when my undergraduate degree is practically worthless? The jobs are just not in Michigan. I'm hoping that I will have a better chance somewhere else. Plus Kyle hates the cold. After spending time in Georgia and Iraq and loving the heat, coming back to frigid Michigan is not going to be pleasant for him.

I just keep praying that everything is going to work out. God is good and true, but sometimes I still freak out while I'm trying to wait.

Cuz I'm LEEAVVIN ON a Jet Plane

2009-04-16T04:28:00.002-04:00

Hello Georgia,

It will be nice to meet you in about 15 hours. You better have taken care of Kyle or I will make you pay.

Just Kidding.

Please have wonderful weather for me. Pwitty Pwease.

Sincerely,

Tots.

Aunt Jemima

2009-04-05T00:14:00.002-04:00

So tonight I went to work. It was rather slow this weekend due to the Final Four hooplah that was commencing at different places in the Detroit area. I knew the night would be slow.

It took another turn to a place of..............hilarious frustration?

So my cleanup tonight was what we like to call "2nd out" work. It involves various tasks, one being the responsibility of the syrup machine. If you're creative you probably already see where this one is going.

So I switch out all the pans and water and blah blah blah logistics crap you don't care about. Fill the containers. The syrup containers are these little things with a mouth on a hinge that pours the syrup out. We have the large sized ones. Afterwards the final task was to wipe everything down to make sure it all looked pristine. Of course I get through everything without incident... until the dreaded final container. I'm wipe wipe wiping away and BOOM. ALL.HELL.BREAKS.LOOSE. The lid decides to defy the laws of physics and POP off, sending the syrup within the container all over me. Down the front of my uniform, IN MY SHIRT SOMEHOW. I ran to the bathroom and managed to get some of the syrup off. To no avail, however, for the rest of the night I was COATED in sticky mess. Of course we were quite slow but my managers refused to let me go home. I looked like a hot mess. I kept finding remnants I had not yet discovered on various parts of my clothing(drips along the bottom of my apron, the TOP of my shoulder). Of course my shirt wanted to stick to me, both to my chest and stomach. I even had a napkin wedged in my shirt to stop it from sticking to my chest. At one point I even started getting itchy because when the syrup dried, THE SYRUP GOT ALL HARD. So my shirt was sticky and scratchy and my tables kept looking at me like I don't know how to do laundry.

I kept laughing, though. I really just wanted to go home and shower but I have to admit that only I see to get myself into these wacky situations at my work. Although it was a bit disturbing when my manager started calling me "sweet *reference to female anatomical part*". :O

At least I smelled all mapley and not like malt vinegar.

Just call me Jaba.

2009-03-31T19:05:00.003-04:00

Why does a woman in her late forties feel the need to make her 22 year old daughter feel like complete dirt?

Since the summer I've lost about 35lbs. It hasn't been easy, either. I've never been thin. Not since I was about 8. I had some rough times and then decided to try to better myself. Hit the gym, started eating better on a more regular basis. When it comes to the shape of my body, I take after my dad's side of the family. We're Italian. Yes, I'm a chunker. I'm not my mother and have never been naturally thin or perfect. I'm not fashionable, even though I've made leaps and bounds from how I was in high school (supposedly my dad thought I was hopeless back in the day when it came to my ripped jeans, tees, and punked out jewelry).

If you read this you know my dad is overseas. Occasionally he sends stuff home. A lot of the time for me and my brother since he doesn't get to see or talk to us even a fraction of the time that he gets with our mother. Well a package came today. Blanket and pillow for Matt. He was jealous of my camo stuff I got sent for Christmas. Then a few sweatshirts. My mom didn't even know who they were intended for, but my mom claimed the smaller one. Then came to my room and tosses the XL at me. I told her to give it to Matt because I would swim in it and guys can get away with baggier stuff more than us females. Her sweatshirt was actually the size I WOULD need were I to wear one. I told her that. I wasn't angry because if I didn't get anything it didn't really bother me. I just didn't want it if it obviously wasn't going to fit. My mother then proceeded to talk about how it fit her and there was no possible way it wouldn't be too tight on me. I had to explain to her that I recently lost all that weight.

As one of my good friends pointed out that she "does not need to compete with a 22 year old." The woman has always had a better body than me. Heaven forbid that in her late 4os she isn't completely toned anymore when she hasn't worked out in probably 20 years. I bust my BUTT for what I've got. What I have is STILL far from perfect. My body type will probably never allow me to be traditionally "thin" and I'm still working on things. What kills me is that I actually try and a woman that should encourage and support me instead likes to make me feel like garbage. I like the fact that I can shop in stores now that previously had nothing that would fit me. It was depressing. I still dislike my body but there's been progress. When someone invalidates that hard work it is darn near infuriating.

Sorry for the complainfest.

Surprise

2009-02-22T23:10:00.002-05:00

So tonight I went to dinner at Kyle's parents' house. His family really is incredible. They treat all these kids that aren't their own just like family. His mom wanted to start a monthly dinner tradition, and when she found out I don't work on Sunday nights, asked if I wanted to come. So I thought I was just going to spend time with everyone. I get there, where his parents and grandma are, along with Han, Amanda, and Ian. Unfortunately his sis got stuck at work longer than expected. They basically had a family dinner with none of their own biological children, bless their hearts haha. So we are eating our tacos and catching up. Later everyone's sitting around... talking and of course we start talking about Kyle. I swear it was a ploy to distract me. Next thing I know there are brownies in front of my face with burning candles in them and a vase with a dozen roses being placed in front of me! I was like WHAT IS GOING ON!? Then they all started singing Happy Birthday with "from Kyle" in it! I must have been beat red and I know I looked floored. His dad didn't miss a beat either, taking pictures of my shocked face. I swear I almost cried. Apparently they ALL were in on this little plot to surprise me and had known for a few days at least. Kyle had sent a letter telling his mom to do this for my birthday, but because of the military mail lag she didn't get it till after the actual day. I was completely surprised, never even thought this would possibly happen. I didn't think they even knew about my birthday. I absolutely love my little second family. I don't know many people that do that kind of stuff for people, especially for their son's girlfriend when their son isn't even in town. I definitely wouldn't mind being a member of that family one day. Later on we talked about Kyle's graduation date. They are driving and invited me to come down, but because of my finals I can't drive with them. So instead I might fly down if I can manage and they'll pick me up at the airport in Georgia and I can either fly back or ride with them if the timing isn't too inconvenient. I feel so blessed that they are that accommodating and are willing to help me see him.

All in all, it was an AMAZING day.

A shipwrecked man inspired me.

2009-02-12T08:29:00.002-05:00

Sooooo 22 years ago today I popped out of my momma, screaming and covered in goo. Its been an odd 22 years. I'm a strange bird, that's for sure. I'm also very blessed. I live in a place where I can worship our Lord and Savior without persecution. I don't have to be afraid that I'll be executed for having a bible. I have a family, as dysfunctional as it may be, that still loves me and 2 parents that are still together, a miracle in this day and age. I've had my heart broken and ripped out of my chest twice... within a year... and somehow I'm still trusting this new, incredible guy to help me pick up the pieces. I have the opportunity to go to school and I have shelter and food.

This year has been a little rougher than others in terms of birthdays. I was realllly sick yesterday so I didn't get to ring in the midnight birthday like I have in the past with friends. I'm still kinda sick today, but not as bad, praise God. My dad is in another country. I've always had my dad on my birthday. I miss him so much, especially on days like these. My boyfriend is at bootcamp and my only hope is that I might get a letter from him on my birthday. He's doin' his thing and I'm so proud of him, but I still wish he could be with me today.

Instead, I'm gonna go to class, come home and go out with my mom after she gets home from work. Then I'm not going to work and will hang out with the Thursday crew. We might do something extra fun just because but I'm going to try to enjoy this day.

Be like Paul. Be joyful in everything.

A month later...

2009-01-19T11:30:00.002-05:00

Its been a while since I posted... WHOOPS. Sorry. Life is a little nuts. Kyle left for bootcamp. Its odd to not have him around. I find myself waking up and wanting to talk to him and then I realize... well thats just not possible. I DID just get his address though. His sis sent it to me. Yay. So now I can write him and we'll actually somewhat have a line of communication going.

Matt's been doing well. He's still adjusting. Thanks to everyone that kept him in their prayers.

I didn't talk to my dad for like 3 weeks until a few days ago. Not because he never called home. It was more of a "mom locked the door because she wants to keep him to herself" sort of the thing. Which I personally see as so selfless and mature. Yeah that's it. Well I at least got to talk to him a few days ago. He actually said he's pretty bored most of the time over there. He fixed a bunch of stuff when he first got there and now he just waits for stuff to break down.

School this semester... well at least I'll be kept busy. I can tell already its going to be a bit daunting...

My new computer FINALLY came in... after the one that was sent to us the first time was broken and then they sent the wrong part with the at-home tech so we just had them send a new one. I LOVE not having to share a computer with the other people in the family. I can have all my music and pictures on here without people complaining (WOOT). This thing will come in handy with school as well. I got a bag for it yesterday and everything. Only spent 11 dollars on the bugger cuz it was a returned item with nothing wrong with it but still marked down and I concurrently used the gift card the brosif got me for Christmas(THANKS DUDE :).

I feel stressed a lot. And lonely a lot, as well. My friends that are still in the area help. Moments like the other night with a certain friend just sitting in a restaurant and driving downriver on the truncated Urban Legends tour are fun. Especially when they end in funny overheard phone conversations when that friend literally heard the lightbulb go off in my mom's head from the other side of the car.... "OHHHHHHHH." Hilarity ensued, I assure you.

MMMMk enough of this, I have to do laundry and get ready. I bid you all adieux until the next time.

The Name is Deceiving.

2008-12-19T19:11:00.003-05:00

Matt was just diagnosed with adult Still's disease. Incurable. Treatable. Chronic. Some sort of inflammatory disorder. Explains all of his symptoms. He'll still have flare ups his whole life. I call shenanigans on the doctor that was the disease's namesake. His name lies. This disease is not still. The only stillness involved is when it incapacitates those who have it because the pain is too intense.

The doctors are *hoping* they can get him home by Christmas. Merry Christmas to my family.

House

2008-12-17T12:52:00.002-05:00

Ok... So not to sound like a downer, because I know my last few posts have been me venting, but SERIOUSLY what is up with my life?

If you all could pray for my brother, I would truly appreciate it. Last night, my mom came home from work as we waited for my brother's friends to get him home. We proceeded to call his work(he works for an ambulance company so and they give their employees the hook up) and asked for them to send a rig out to our house. We aren't even in their covered area but out to NB they came. They drugged him up a bit and got him on the stretcher and then my mother and I hopped in the car to follow the ambulance out to UofM Hospital. Mind you this was all at the onset of the most inopportunely timed blizzard of my life. So my mom and I are driving down 275, the first of 3 freeways on which we had to drive, and the wipers start icing up, so she decides to make the brilliant move of snapping the ice off the windshield wiper on the drivers side, except she didn't take into account that the wipers were on high and the motor ripped the wiper out of her hand as it proceeded to send the blade flying into the air. So here we are, on a freeway, in a blizzard, with practically no visibility, following an ambulance, and we no longer have windshield wipers. Only in my family haha. So she was leaning on me to find a place to see out the windshield. Wow. Well we finally got my bro to the ER. Poor kid was and still is so sick. They got him through triage and then put him on a stretcher in some random hallway for like 2 hours. His saline IV ran out and all his pain meds wore off. It was quite funny though, because at one point some other medics brought another stretcher into our hallway and I'm like "Hey Mom, those guys are from Concorde. I wonder if they are from the same hub Matt works at." She spoke up and told them her son worked for Concorde and he was the one on the stretcher. They were like "Oh really who is he?" Matt *insert last name here*. "OH MY GOSH *INSERT LAST NAME HERE*?" So over they run, all concerned. Turns out the girl was Matt's partner that he works with on Mondays. Fancy that.

So on to my brother's condition. About 8 months ago he had this thing that the 3 hospitals and countless doctors he saw called an "infection," yet they really never figured out exactly what it was. It lasted about a month and a half. He was completely laid out. White blood cell count through the roof. No nauseau or headaches. He was achey all over to the point of immobility. Literally couldn't walk. Couldn't retain fluids. His medic buddies kept coming over the house to push saline bags into his system. Well apparently whatever this thing is came back in full force. Except I think its worse. It started about a week ago and our family doctor gave him a Z-pac thinking maybe it was just one of the many bad infections going around. And some motrin for the pain. None of that did anything except for the adverse allergic reaction that was giving him a rash that he believes was caused by the motrin, something that has never given him that reaction before. Well he can't move again. All joints and muscles are sore. He went to a clinic the day before yesterday and they told him its a virus and gave him tylenol 3s with some codine. Didn't do squat for him. So off to UofM we went to hopefully get a hospital that can tell us SOMETHING. His knees, elbows, and hands are all kinds of swollen. He hasn't had motrin in a few days because he thought it was causing a rash, but the rash started coming back all on his arms. The first time I saw him even attempt to turn his head or lift his arm was after they shot him up with an ungodly amount of morphine. They doubt its a virus or common infection like influenza because of its recurrence. Rheumatoidal disorders were given as an option. Possibly some sort of immunal disorder. Matt got all freaked out when lupus was mentioned. He hasn't been able to dress himself or even stand to get to a bathroom in days without help. What kind of 23 year old guy wants his baby sister helping him put his clothes on or roll him over because the position he's in is causing too much pain? Its a bit of a punch to the pride, if you know what I mean. When he's sitting still the pain is at about a 3(on a scale of 1-10) but shoots to a 10 when he moves or is touched.

Luckily last night a son of a friend of the family came up to help fix our wiper blade. I told my mom I was willing to get directions from someone at the hospital to a Meijer or somewhere that was open to get a wiper blade and fix the car, but she was paranoid about driving and visibility and blah blah do I know how to change a wiper blade. Yes mother, I've done it before. But my dad, the saint in Houston that is just waiting for his plane ride at this point to the Middle East, called a friend of the family so we didn't have to worry about it. Anthony even took me home because it was about 1am before I got home and the whole fiasco started at about 3:30 in the afternoon. They admitted Matthew last night and my mom came home once he fell asleep. She went back up there this morning. We are still waiting on test results. I guess the doctors are having a field day with this case because its a real life medical mystery(lucky us, right?). Personally being in a lifelike episode of House is not my idea of a nice way to start off my winter break.

I've been praying nonstop and I would LOVE it if anyone that reads this could do the same. My bro really needs it and I know that if anyone can heal him or provide the way for him to get better, its God.

Time to crash and burn or rise above

2008-12-09T14:28:00.004-05:00

Sooooo... my dad is gone now. On his way to Iraq. With my oldest brother. My house is... odd right now, to say the least. The entire family was rarely at home at the same time since I was about 16 or so, yet it feels like I'm living in a ghost town. On top of all that, I think I may be the only one of the three of us that are left that has retained any sanity. My brother is perpetually cranky because he wanted to go with my dad and Michael, and he suspects that my dad stopped the company from hiring him until he is done with school, which I personally thought was a smart move anyway. My mom goes through stages of wanting to be super proactive and cleaning everything in sight (mind you my mother and cleaning have not been in a sentence together without the words not or doesn't in a very long time) to switching to moods where she's crying and depressed. I understand her frustration, I really do, but this whole bipolar style behavior is just not something I feel equipped to deal with. As much as I'm going to miss my dad, this time in my life could either be really good or really bad. My mom and I have never exactly gotten along. On the surface I can tolerate her and I love her very much but the truth is that we are two vastly different human beings in terms of how we act, react, and look. One catalyst in any conflicts that seem to arise between me and her has always been my brother. Well he's going to soon be on the other side of an ocean so hopefully that will help our relationship. I already have made more efforts than I normally do to talk to her and try to strengthen our relationship. Last night I attempted, however, and halfway through the stupid conversation she cut me off and walked into the other room. I was literally left yelling for her and she completely ignored me. Stuff like that... the inconsiderate behavior... explains a lot about where my brother got his habits from and makes it that much harder for me to even want to be around. Then she gets severely ticked off because I don't "let her in" on what is going on in my life. Perhaps its because of the complete lack of concern when I actually do? My entire family possesses tendencies that reach far beyond the level of rude. We had my grandparents over on Saturday for a little Christmas shindig so my bro and dad could experience at least a little bit of the holiday they would have had were they at home this Christmas, and I was reminded yet again that nobody in my family respects me. Everyone has a mentality on my mother's side of the family that if you are younger than they are, or in my case the youngest in the family, you are therefore the least intelligent person in the room. My grandpa started arguing with me about FCC regulations and the ways that cable companies use digital broadcasts. I have a best friend that worked for a cable company and am also studying something in school that teaches me all about how the government and its agencies operate. Technically I have more formal education than anyone in my family, but I'm apparently incapable of knowing ANYTHING. I even called my friend up the next day just to make sure that I wasn't wrong in what I said to my grandpa. During the conversation my Grandpa said "Oh Brittney you just don't know about these things." Condescending much? The disdain just drips from the words, you don't even have to hear them out loud. Usually at about this point in every family function I go hide upstairs and talk to someone on the phone or read with the stereo on. I feel kind of lost. My dad was my ally. He actually respected me for my book smarts and my street smarts. He's the one that was asking me questions constantly throughout the election because he understood that a 21 year old can actually know what she's talking about. Now I'm stuck with a bipolar crazy lady and a cranky brother who's never home anyway...

Greetings.

2008-11-16T01:49:00.004-05:00

Hi. You may know me, you may not. A lot of my friends are on here so I figured it was about time to hop on the bandwagon.

I suppose this will be an outlet. There are a lot of things that stir around in my brain that I never vocalize. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the person everyone thinks I am. I try to be a good person. I know I fall short of God's expectations most of the time, unfortunately. I am blessed in a lot of ways. I also cry a lot more than people know. I suppose its because I take a lot of things personally. People leave, I take it personally. People get angry, I take it personally. I have a lot of problems with how I cope with my life, but I suppose that one good thing in the cacophony of crap is that I pray... a lot. Usually once the tears start the first thing I do is turn to God. Its a defense mechanism I suppose, but what kind of defense mechanism is better than turning to the One and Only that created you?

My life has been beyond crazy lately... I have a crazy school schedule, a job, a church that I care deeply about and try to keep active with, and friends, incredible friends that have helped me through more of my dark places than I can even remember. Its amazing how much I've realized those people mean to me these last few months. Most of my truly close friends know me better, understand me better, than every member of my family. Let's face it, I've never been close to people in my family. I may get along with... okay probably just 1 of them, and I love them all very much, but I've never been able to confide in them. In fact, there have been many instances in my life when my mom caught me confiding in people that weren't her and got angry with me. I'm not just talking about a disappointment kind of angry. I'm describing an anger where she wouldn't talk to me. I wish I could look back and say it was because she was jealous that our relationship wasn't strong, but I know it had nothing to do with that. Most of it stems from the fact that my family is far too concerned with how they look to the outside world. Heaven forbid anyone know that we fight. Heaven forbid anyone find out that my mom called me fat. Heaven forbid that people know that my brothers are anything but perfect. My family is screwed up. What family isn't? I get it. I suppose what hurt me the most was that my family never wanted me to have an outlet. They run from their problems. To this day I can't say anything criticizing my brothers, even if its something as trivial as how disgusting they leave the upstairs bathroom of which I share with them and they haven't cleaned in 11 years, without someone getting angry and my parents breaking up the "fight" before its resolved. Maturity just isn't there.

So in all my frustration I turn to my friends. I turn to my God. Our God. The God. My friends help me through the times when I don't want to leave the house. I went through a really rough time about halfway through the summer. My life got turned upside-down. And they were there for me. I try to be there for them but most of the time I feel like I get more out of the relationship than they do. So if you are one of those people that was there for me... THANK YOU. I appreciate it more than you know. I noticed when you called me just to be stupid and watch The Office. I love all of you.

I don't really know where this post went, but I guess there is more in my head than I realized. I intended for this to be short. Ha.